WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
