i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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