youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
