Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
