She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
