thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I love you.
Bad choice
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