Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
