She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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