I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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