Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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