See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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