Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
