she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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