I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
