He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
