I didn't shave. On purpose
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
