You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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