I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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