I cut my penus on the lid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize