i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
