apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
