I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
even my farts smell like vagina
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
