Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she looked like the before picture.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize