Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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