i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
