She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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