I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
