i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
