Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
