Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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