Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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