Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
