i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
