After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is Oprah even human
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
