these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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