I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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