note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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