can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
