You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
