On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
