also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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