I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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