my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
