I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
two words...techno handjob
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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