I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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