I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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