I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You're like the curious george of whores
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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