i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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