I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
