I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize