broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize