Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
