Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
