Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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