My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
