dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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