please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She told me I should be a condom model.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sorry about my life...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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