i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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