I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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