So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
