shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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