Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
